Project Me: Part Two by Hannah Tubb

Foundations and marathons

I re read my last post. It sounds so urgent, desperate and floundering! But that’s how I was feeling – after I’d written that post my mood changed, I felt like a weight had been lifted – I had acknowledged how I was feeling and identified what I needed to do to change that!
   The next step was the list.  I have priorities and responsibilities – these are the things that I’m most likely to resist because I HAVE to do them. I very rarely let myself enjoy them and see them as chores. Work is one of these things and I’m ashamed to say that my family feels like a chore sometimes as well – writing those words down is hard because I don’t want them to be true. I want it to come easy to me like it seems to do for so many others. 
    Therefore, my first step had to be acceptance – accept the job I have and be grateful, except my role as a mother and stop beating my self up for what I’m NOT giving the girls and focus on what I AM already giving them. For my youngest, I know that her idea of a perfect afternoon is cuddling up on the sofa and watching cartoons – as much as I love this as well I can’t help but thinking that I should be doing  something else – housework, baking, craft, educational games etc. etc. So I need to let these afternoons be part of our week and treasure them – this time next year she will be at school and I’ll be wishing I’d appreciated this time more! In fact, looking back at pictures of the past seven years I realised that family days out or days in – were the best times – I found it hard to look at pictures of Isabelle’s first couple of years because I was in a bad place with postnatal depression and again whilst I was pregnant with Charlotte and Isabelle was three – my heart breaks when I look at her and know that I was nowhere near the mummy that I wanted to be at that time, suffering with antenatal depression and again when Charlotte was born! Bittersweet memories – but I know that the memories we are all making together now are precious – I remember so many of the days where these photos were taken because I remember what was behind my smile – the anxieties, self hatred, doubt – seething and churning.  I feel like I’m through those times now and I am so, so grateful for that.

So to recap and summarise . . .

1. Accept that I have to work and have responsibilities and stop fighting them!
2. Enjoy every second with my family and stop wishing that I was doing something better or different!
3. Do more creative stuff!
4. Read more
5. Work on my yoga practice
6. Run the London marathon 2016
Errrrr wait . . . What???

So whilst stripping everything back to foundations, an amazing opportunity arose – to run the London Marathon 2016 for PANDAS! I applied but didn’t tell anyone – I wanted this to be for me, not to prove something to anyone ( although of course the thoughts were there – it makes me more interesting, maybe I will finally lose weight and like the way I look etc. etc.)
It’s forced me to focus, really focus on myself- nutrition, fitness – I’m learning again and I’m a massive geek so I love having something to research!
It also symbolises how far I have come with my anxiety because a year ago I would never have even considered this an option for me!

So my list has been written – what’s on yours?

Xx

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